Six Feet Up Your...

Here's a touching little moment that happened at the cemetery, inexplicably called Grandview (a grand view for whom,
exactly?), while making arrangements for Hyde's burial.

There we were, Jeckle, Mr. Wizard, and I, sitting together in a room with walls that are "decorated" with all the different types of grave markers. It was eerily familiar, as we had been in this very same room less than 12 months before. Mr. Ghoul had left the room for a moment, giving us a chance to discuss what marker we wanted. Jeckle and I decided we liked the plain granite one best, not because it was the least expensive, but because it was simple and stately. It appealed to our aesthetic senses.

Mr. Ghoul returned. We told him what we wanted.

"Oh, you can't get that marker."
"Why not?"
"Because it won't match the other markers in that area. You have to get a brass one."

Need I say that a brass marker was significantly more expensive? But I can see how important matching grave markers would be to the residents of the cemetery.

"O.K., so since our mother and out brother are going to both be cremated, and she already has a plot, is it possible to bury Hyde in her plot, for them to share? He would like that."
"Oh, no. That won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because there won't be room for his marker."

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but there's nothing but grass around a grave. And the hole for an urn, I mean a $150 cardboard box, is not nearly as large as the hole for a coffin. Seems to me there'd be plenty o' room for two urns and another marker.

Oh, wait. Then Grandview wouldn't get $1500 for another plot!

Sidebar: It cost $900 just to use the room at the mortuary for an hour-long service. Oh, O.K. We did use their DVD/TV and stereo, although Mr. Wizard had to figure out how to work the DVD player: Push play. I think they should have knocked off at least, oh, say $300 for his technical expertise.

I'm thinking I'm going to start renting out my apartment for services!

No, what I'm really thinking is this: When I die, donate my body to science. Have a party at someone's house. No plot, no marker, no cremation (if I have to be cremated, toss my ashes somewhere outside, or divvy them up among friends and whatever family I have left), no service. The cost of Daddy's funeral ($12,000) and Hyde's ($7,000) has left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth for funeral "homes." (Why, exactly, are they called homes?)

I won't go so far as Hyde and put them on my "hit list," but I certainly agree with the sentiment.