Finding Oneself

I've tried on more than one occasion over the past 32 years to live in my hometown. 1991. 2003. Now.

I always go into it with a positive attitude and high hopes. But here's the truth: something about this place just rubs me the wrong way.

Don't get me wrong. There are many aspects that I love. Pistol Creek. The greenway. Sandy Springs. Being able to ride my bike around town. Ye Olde Neighborhoods.

But once I'm here for any length of time, my fur starts feeling all mussed up and full of static electricity. I start hissing and swatting.

I'm sure it's left over stuff, unresolved feelings about childhood experiences and, with a goodly amount of analysis, I could probably overcome it. But why bother? Life's too short. Time to accept the fact that I love to visit but don't want to settle here. So, Knoxville, here I come!

The Farm is on hold. Goats, chickens, bees will be experienced vicariously for now. The cart is being put back in its proper position: after the horse.

I am moving in with my very dear friends, Rocky and Chick. A mini-intentional community, if you will. Community, pets, garden, truck. Sounds good to me!

And just how did this happen? Honesty Openness Willingness

Honesty with myself about the fact that during the house hunting process I quickly came to understand that I didn't want to own, didn't want to farm, didn't want to live in the country all by myself.
Openness to a new idea, to saying, "Yes."
Willingness to let go of trying to make my dream happen and instead give it time to come to be.

It's an interesting process, this letting go of who I thought I was, my story, and being willing to pay attention to what my heart is really telling me about myself. I no longer want to do things simply because I can handle them. Or, more importantly, because I should. I want to do things because they resonate, they bring me joy, they feel good.

A fish cannot drown in water.
A bird does not fall in air.
Each creature God made
must live in its own true nature.

-Mechthilde of Magdeburg

"Part of the blessing and challenge of being human is that we must discover our own God-given nature. This is not some noble, abstract quest, but an inner necessity. For only by living in our own element can we thrive without anxiety. And since human beings are the only life form that can drown and still go to work, the only species that can fall from the sky and still fold laundry, it is imperative that we find that vital element that brings us alive." -Mark Nepo

So, here's to shutting out the Devil voices, to letting go of some imagined person I am supposed to be, to doing what feels right instead of chasing after some imagined Holy Grail of Success.

Namasté