Post-Move Pondering

I am slowly regaining my senses. The past four weeks have been a bit of a blur. I don't know which is more disconcerting: flying or driving across the country. Flying, of course, is surreal because you start off in one part of the country and then, fewer than 12 hours later, you're in an entirely different part. It's a slow version of the Transporter. Driving is surreal for kind of the opposite reason. Every day things are just a little bit different so that you don't really notice the fact that, in reality, you are moving very far away from where you started.

As I was writing this, I thought of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: "The more precisely the position is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known in this instant, and vice versa." -Heisenberg, Uncertainty paper, 1927

What I can say for certain is this: I am completely uncertain as to why I am here. I am in a complete state of unknowing.

Regardless, here I am, and being here, I have the uncomfortable task of living in this unknowing and making peace with letting go of what I thought was going to happen, what I think needs to happen. Making peace with letting go of a pre-determined destination.

The following helps:

"A friend was traveling around Europe, training from city to city. Despite her plans, her interest drew her in different directions, and a path unfolded that she couldn't have foreseen. Each point of discovery led to the next, as if some logic out of view were guiding her. During this phase of her journey, though she often wasn't sure where she was, she never felt lost. It was when she needed to arrive at a certain station at a certain time that she felt she was off course, astray, and at the fringe of where she was supposed to be...All this led her to realize that the more narrow her intentions on any one day, the more she felt behind, late, and lost. In contrast, the wider her net of designs, the more often she felt a sense of discovery.

More often than not, our image of a destination is only a starting point that we cling to needlessly. When we can free up the sense of needing to arrive in a certain place, we lessen the weight of being lost." (The Book of Awakenings)

It's a very strange internal sensation, to feel as if I am beholden to someone, that I have to "make good" on what I said I was going to do. Truly, it is this feeling that causes me suffering, not the situation itself.

So I am working on uncurling my fingers and letting whatever this is become whatever it will be, right now, and not getting stuck on an idea. This is only a starting point. Where it leads, only time will tell.